I always say "Thank God we didn't have Facebook when I was a teenager!"
If we had, this is what my statuses would've looked like:
80s Kid: I think I haven’t seen my mom in a week. She works all day, so I get off the bus, let myself in the house with the key I wear on a shoelace around my neck, make one of her Lean Cuisines (I’m really good at boiling those bags and cutting them open without burning myself). Can someone tell me why the beef looks iridescent, though? Then after work she goes to Aerobics, and by the time she gets home, I’m usually asleep.
80s Kid: The dream of my entire life is to have a clear phone in my room beside my canopy bed, and I want to have my own number so mom won’t stop picking up, and I want call waiting so it’s never busy.
80s Kid: I’m so sad because I fell at the roller rink and ripped my pin striped, Calvin Klein jeans and it was right before couple’s skate when “Break My Stride” was on. Not to mention, my mom won’t buy me my own skates so I must suffer the humiliation of tan and orange rental skates.
80s Kid: Everything about Pretty in Pink was perfect until the end when Andi wore a prom dress that looked like something my grandma would wear to a wedding.
80s Kid: After reading The Girl With the Silver Eyes I can’t stop trying to move stuff with my mind.
80s Kid: Listened to Alphaville’s “Forever Young” sixteen times. Had to keep stopping the tape, then rewinding it, and then the worst happened. The tape got tangled up in my cassette player and I had to try to wind it back up with a pencil and it didn’t work, so I think I’m going to join Columbia Record House so I can get ten new tapes for a penny.
80s Kid: I live for liquid crystals in my Lisa Frank sticker book.
80s Kid: Reading Deenie taught me that it’s totally normal to hide a dog-eared copy of Forever in between the mattress and box spring on my bed.
80s Kid: My dad is dating a woman named Sheena who looks like Sandy at the end of Grease.
80s Kid: Oh No!!! I accidentally tore my Outback Red Henley trying to cut the shoulder pads out!!
80s Kid: I used up a whole bottle of Paul Mitchell spritz and my bangs are still flat and now I smell like a gigantic grape lollipop wearing high top, pink reeboks and clear braces. I think I need more mousse.
80s Kid: My dad bought me a neon flamingo for my bedroom because he made a bunch of money on junk bonds and feels guilty for not spending any time with me. It reminds me of something they’d sell in the store on the new episodes of The Facts of Life where they’re all in college and there’s no Mrs. Garrett and they have her weird sister instead. What are they doing to do when they graduate college??
80s Kid: I played Oregon Trail on my Apple II E for four hours straight and died of dysentery at least twenty times, so I decided to play Qbert on my Atari instead.
80s Kid: You know what’s going to be so weird? When it’s 1989 and that means it’s only ten years away from being 1999 like the Prince song. Whoa.
80s Kid: Today I wore three Izod polos under a Benetton rugby shirt and I flipped up all four collars at once. I also wore three Swatches and nineteen friendship bracelets, and my socks were so big you could barely see my Keds, and for once I got the rolled up cuffs just right on my pegged jeans. I felt so good about myself.
80s Kid: My dad got a beeper. It was really aggravating. Last weekend when I was visiting him he took me to Bennigans to eat mozzarella sticks (how do they FRY CHEESE??) and he had to keep getting up to use the payphone so he could call Sheena. It made me really want a wine cooler. Not that I’ve ever had one, but the Bartles & James commercial makes them look so good. He told me Sheena really likes Def Leppard, but I was not impressed.
80s Kid: I’m going to be a vegetarian because Meat is Murder and I want to be exactly like Morrissey because he is a god and he gets me so I ate frozen French fries for dinner with a ring ding and some Hi-C Peach. I’m also going to wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside. Do Oriental ramen noodles count as meat? What is Oriental made out of anyway?
80s Kid: I am so sad. I lost my favorite charm on my charm necklace. It was the frying pan with sunny-side up eggs in it. Oh well, at least it wasn’t the tiny abacus.
80s Kid: I’m so embarrassed. My mom found my diary and opened it even though it was a real lock with a little key and now she knows that I’m in love with Jason Bateman on Silver Spoons instead of Ricky Schroeder. Does this mean I’m into bad boys?
80s Kid: My gigantic, black lace bow keeps flopping into my eyes and getting in my electric blue mascara. While I’m at it, this crinoline that I’m wearing as a skirt is itchy, and my grandma is mad that I’m wearing her rosary as a necklace, but how else am I supposed to “Get Into the Groove?”
80s Kid: I’m going to drink a gallon of Pepsi Free on Sunday night so I have enough energy to stay up and watch 120 Minutes on MTV, and I’m praying they play Public Image Limited.
80s Kid: Where’s the Beef?
80s Kid: This kid at school in a Hawaiian shirt, Ray Bans, and a skinny tie won’t stop imitating Max Headroom, and passing me notes in Home Ec that he folds into little triangle footballs, and I just want to tell him to stop trying so hard. He will never be Tom Cruise in Risky Business, or Ferris Beuller.
80s Kid: I'm so excited. I recorded "Take On Me" onto a blank tape off the radio with my boom box and I got the whole thing! I didn't cut off the first part or anything!
80s Kid: The entire cast of Stand by Me. Swoon. The greatest movie ever made in the history of film. I can’t wait til it comes out on video next year and I am going to ask my dad to please buy me a VCR so I can rent it from the new video place in town (what is in that back room there anyway?) and watch it over and over for three days until I have to return it. Be kind rewind.
80s Kid: I am out of Bonne Belle Heaven Scent. I think I want to try a more sophisticated, adult perfume now. Like Giorgio, Obsession, Lauren, or Poison. I am obsessed with Poison. The perfume, not the band. Glam rock is gross because I am New Wave. I officially don’t like anything on the MTV Top 20 Video Countdown unless it’s U2.
80s Kid: I really think we need to free Nelson Mandela and tear down the Berlin Wall. I feel really strongly about this. I cry when I hear 99 Luftballons. I hope the Russians don’t nuke us.
80s Kid: Begging my mom to get me a high-collared, full length, lace Jessica McClintock dress for homecoming and I am going to wear it with Capezios. I’m going to get a new spiral perm and maybe henna my hair too. Oh my God I am so excited. I want to slow dance at arm’s length with a boy in the high school gym to “Time After Time.”
80s Kid: I was so freaked out when Belinda Carlisle left the Go-Gos to go solo but “Heaven is a Place on Earth” is the best song in the whole world.
80s Kid: I want my life to be exactly like a John Hughes movie combined with a Cameron Crowe movie.
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