1. I'm feeling a little down today. I know what would fix this. I need to go to HomeGoods immediately. A new table runner is the solution to EVERYTHING. Especially if it is seasonal, on clearance and only $7.99.
2. Would people think I was weird if I took a selfie in front of this sign and made it my profile pic on Facebook? Is that going too far?
3. My uncontrollable desire to completely redecorate every room of my home for every single season and holiday (even the ones they don't close school for) is officially validated. I have found my people. This is my tribe. HomeGoods gets me. I'm totally doing a leaf-themed tablescape for Arbor Day.
4. Life would be better if I bought six, jewel-toned Moroccan lanterns and hung them unevenly in the corner of my living room.
5. BUY ME THIS! I need a 6 foot tall metal chicken. Wait, is that Jenny Lawson's chicken? Where would someone put this? Where would I put this? My house is too small. I need to set my sights higher in life. I need to make enough money to be able to accommodate a 6 foot tall metal chicken. Obviously I am a loser.
6. Home Accents! What kind of accent do I want my home to have? British? Southern Belle? French? I've got it. I want my home to have an accent like people in old movies. I want my house to sound like Katherine Hepburn. I'm going to need a Murano Glass decanter set from that display over there immediately.
7. I cannot resist this pale pink, ceramic, teeny cake stand with a butterfly on it. Okay, but wait, who makes cakes that teeny?? Me. I should make teeny cakes. I bet there is a teeny cake pan in the cooking section. I will buy it immediately and become the kind of person who bakes teeny cakes and displays them on pink ceramic teeny cake stands.
8. I'm pretty sure they are playing the soundtrack to Empire Records. I miss the 90s. Oh my gosh, LOOK! Celestial motif lives on!
9. Now they are playing all of my favorite soft-rock hits from the 80s. I may have to burst into song. "I-I Love to feel the rain in the summer ti-i-eeem!!" I used to LOVE this song. Please don't tell anyone.
10. HomeGoods be like "Your house stinks, yo. You don't have enough candles." Exactly. I pretty much need a color coordinated Yankee Candle in a discontinued fragrance from a line of limited edition veranda daydreams scents that flopped five years ago. Whoa, they are only $12.99. These things go for at least thirty bucks a candle in the real store. Watch me fill this cart up right now.
11. I need to accept the fact that I am definitely turning into my grandmother and that it's okay to love bunches of polyester peonies in a vase of hardened polyurethane that is supposed to look like real flowers in actual water, except doesn't.
12. I'd like to offer my condolences to these seahorses at this very difficult time.
13. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS F#@#$ING CART? Good lord, HomeGoods, I love you but could you please get carts that can actually fit that 24 x 48 inch canvas print of Marilyn Monroe that everyone had back in college, plus that sisal rug that I desperately need for my Florida room? And while we're at it, could we please make it so that the wheels don't lock up as soon as they get within twenty feet of the door, so that the whole cart jerks to a violent stop mid-aisle causing me to get whiplash?
14. P.S. How do you expect me to buy all of these wonderful things and get them through the parking lot and into my car if I can't take this ever-loving cart OUT OF THE FREAKING STORE??
15. HOLY CRAP. I need a 7 foot, foam lighthouse to go with my 6 foot metal chicken. Life is now complete.
16. This stuff is not tacky at all. Said no one ever. Except my mom. My mom thinks this is very classy. So does yours.
17. I want nachos. This thought has nothing to do with HomeGoods. I just always want nachos.
18. There is literally nowhere else on earth where you can buy a birch stick lightly dusted in gold glitter that looks like some kind of abandoned kindergarten Christmas craft project, for $7.99.
19. Whatever this thing is, I believe with all of my heart that I could make it. Excuse me while I leave and go to the art store where I will purchase $79.87 worth of supplies only to get frustrated and find that, in fact, I cannot make this myself, so I will now go back to HomeGoods to buy it for $12.99 which I should have done in the first place, except now it is gone.
20. I came here to get a new shower curtain liner. But I decided that I needed a chalkboard kitchen menu, a cat scratching post, a knock-off Vera Bradley, insulated, cloth lunchbox, a Slap Chop, two empanada presses, some gourmet popcorn, and a cute set of birthday party invitations even though I am not having a birthday party. I forgot the shower curtain liner.
21. Every single one of these things would be absolutely spectacularly perfect in my elegantly appointed, New England, shingle-style beach cottage in Newport, Rhode Island where I drink Southsides and eat lobster rolls and wear linen dresses and straw hats and have clambakes on my own private beach. That I do not have. Because this is my fantasy life. This is not real. So I should leave this aisle with its driftwood sculptures and iron crabs and spray-painted bunches of coral, and nurse my broken heart because I cannot purchase this rustic clapboard painting of a whale.
22. How old is this food? Like, really? Because I love this packaging that suggests that this pineapple jalapeno gooseberry marmalade is actually British, possibly royal, and therefore eaten by the Duchess of Cambridge on her scones at tea time, which makes me kind of have to have it too. Along with these giant, sundried tomato pasta tubes, 6-pack of artisan root beer, and this little bag of heirloom quinoa that is definitely not any of the brands they sell at Whole Foods. Also I should get that tagine masala spice blend because it is in a cool bottle, and I think I need ALL the coffee syrups so I can be like a discount version of Starbucks in my own home and speaking of 'Bucks, there is a bag of 2011 Thanksgiving Blend for four dollars. MINE!
23. Almonds, Swedish Fish, Dried Blueberries, Cashews and...COLLAGEN??
24. So, is this basically just T.J. Maxx without all the Willi Smith clothing?
25. Do you think if I replaced all of my dying houseplants with plastic succulents that anyone would notice?
26. I will not buy any of these things in the evil maze of temptation that is this checkout line. No matter how wonderful they are. MUST. RESIST. Oh what the hell, I could really a wheatgrass sprouter and some inspirational coasters.
27. HomeGoods, I love you so much.
My memoir THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE comes out on June 7th. Preorder it at the links below!