I managed to get lucky enough to score myself a copy of Gwyneth Paltrow’s new book that came out today. It’s called IT’S ALL EASY, and was written by Gwyneth and some other woman (who I’m positive actually wrote the book, but isn’t famous so no one cares, because they needed Gwyneth’s photo to make it sell) and is filled with recipes for things that Gwyneth Paltrow clearly does not eat. Like pasta carbonara. How do I know that Gwyneth doesn’t eat pasta carbonara?
I say this with some authority because I know that Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t eat food period, because she is not a real human being. She used to be, but not anymore. Back in the late 90s she transcended her earthly form and is now a deity — a lower level deity like a nymph or a dryad or something, but nonetheless NOT A PERSON. This means that she no longer eats or poops or gets zits and her hair always looks flowy and glowy.
I also know that Gwyneth Paltrow does not eat pasta carbonara because I don’t eat pasta carbonara and I am not a gazillionaire movie star with an entourage of servants and trainers and lifestyle coaches and really cool friends. I am a normal mom who won’t go near the stuff because of the fat and carbs and gluten and calories, which I am convinced will make me ugly and kill me (and for the record, we all know that being ugly is worse than being dead). So I know if I won’t eat it, that she is definitely not going to eat it.
I thought to celebrate Gwyneth’s new book, I’d post an excerpt. I figured we would start with breakfast.
GWYNETH PALTROW’S BREAKFAST
“An Air of Ease” Air of Ease is highly oxygenated, infused with extra negative ions, purified and blessed by a Pujari in a remote Hindu temple on the border of Tibet. I take it wherever I go, especially on airplanes, because the air quality in flight is just not acceptable, even in First Class.
Fresh Moonlight. You must rise before dawn while the moon is still up in order to meditate in a quiet space, preferably at an exclusive mindfulness resort in Bali which costs upwards of $20,000.00 per night. Splurge for a private lotus pond whenever possible, because you must love yourself.
1 Spoonful of finely crushed pearls. Please not cultured. You want the natural, organic pearls hand harvested by a traditional, free-diving, Japanese Ama.
1 Pitaya. It is essential that you never refer to this sacred food as a Dragon Fruit because that is terribly gauche. Be aware that you will not be eating the pitaya. It is merely for your aesthetic pleasure because it is bright pink and looks very exotic, and people in middle America have no idea what it is, which means that is the new miracle cure for everything. Try very hard not to think about the fact that the pitaya’s flesh looks exactly like vanilla bean ice cream. You don’t eat sugar and dairy anymore. That is from a different life. Vanilla bean ice cream is the old you. You are now a pitaya person. Trust me, you are better off.
1 oversized, exceptionally slouchy, biodynamic cashmere sweater that costs over a thousand dollars (so you know, not your good one, because this is morning and we go casual).
1 rustic, farmhouse table.
1 dime-sized drop of homemade almond milk. I know it’s hard and messy to squeeze the nut bag. Easy solution? Have your personal assistant do it the night before.
1 squirt of lemon juice. A small squirt, and really treat yourself here. Life is short. The lemon should be handpicked from an ancient, heirloom variety tree from your friend’s private grove at his villa in the Italian countryside. Preferably the villa dates back the Renaissance. Preferably your friend has won an Oscar for something, but not a Golden Globe because tacky. Have the lemon flown to you by private jet to ensure freshness.
Arise and chant several positive affirmations. Admire the lemon and the pitaya on your farmhouse table as you slip on your sweater and go outside into the fresh moonlight to breathe in your air of ease while you exhale the smoke from your American Spirit cigarette over your private lotus pond. Dust your body with the crushed pearls and lick the soft skin of your inner forearm because you are so amazing.
Dot the drop of almond milk on your tongue. Savor its flavor. Be present with it. Give thanks for the squirt of lemon juice because you are blessed (and skinny and rich and beautiful). Don’t worry about being hungry because in an hour will you swallow a full cup of Ayurvedic supplements and they will make you full until it’s time to eat a cacao nib and a sunflower sprout for lunch.
You will have plenty of energy from the rising sun. In fact, you will even be inspired to write a cookbook for mortals in which you can teach them how to make meals from poison wheat paste, fermented and aged bovine bodily fluids, and poultry ovulation. You can sell this book for a bargain $55.00 on your website.
Smile, live a nutrient dense life, strive for balance, and always eschew an American diet. That doesn't mean chew it. It's means don't eat.