Let's get one thing straight before we begin. No one asked me to write this. No one paid me to write this and no one gave me free food so that I would write this. Trust me, I'm like the last person Chick-fil-a would ever want to shill for them. But I am going to write a brutally honest product review on the injustice that is Chick-fil-a's new Superfood Salad.
I heard, via the Internet of course, that Chick-fil-a was getting rid of its coleslaw in favor of some kind of kale bullshit, but it being the Internet and all, I figured this was another one of those hoaxes like that Zuckerberg is going to start charging you for Facebook unless you copy and paste some paragraph of foolishness, or that Hillary Clinton is secretly paying Donald Trump to run for President to make an ass of the Republicans and cause her to win. You know, stuff like that. Because seriously, Chick-fil-a would never, ever get rid of their coleslaw. It's basically a staple in the diet of most southerners, by whom I mean myself.
But, um, no.
Yesterday I found myself in the Chick-fil-a drive-thru ordering myself a Number 5, but being starving I ordered an extra side of coleslaw, not instead of the fries, but in addition to. Because that is how I roll. I need both for the perfect balance of salty and sweet and hot and cold and crunch and soft and the dark side and The Force and pretty much every binary pair that exists.
"Oh, yeah, soo...we don't have coleslaw anymore," the girl said.
"Huh? Like y'all ran out temporarily for the day?" I asked.
"No, we don't have coleslaw anymore, like ever again. Like it's gone for the rest of your whole entire, God forsaken life."
She didn't actually word it that way, but that is what she meant. Trust me. She meant that, and this news was life destroying.
"But we have this awesome new Super Food Salad in its place that's really great!" she chirped.
"Uh, okay...so, what is a 'super food salad,' pray tell?" I asked. Mind you, I am having a conversation with a loudspeaker here, while my daughter is shrieking from her booster seat in the back that she NEEEEEEDS some Ice Dream even though I told her she couldn't have it.
"It's Kale! And Broccolini! With Dried Cherries! You should try it, it's absolutely delicious!"
Chick-fil-a employees are so freaking happy sometimes. I think they dose them with Zoloft before their shifts or something. Or maybe they're filled with the light of the Holy Spirit - I don't know, but this girl just wasn't getting the level of the tragedy that had just occurred in my life.
Chick-fil-a got rid of its coleslaw. I'm pretty sure I just saw one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ride by.
How could something like this happen, I had to ask myself. Let's go with my grandmother's explanation: This is a sign of the end times. The Liberals have won. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Chick-fil-a's coleslaw was the first casualty of The Rapture. It's like in The Leftovers. First the coleslaw disappears, next week your baby's going to vanish right out of its carseat while you're driving. Which, if you think about it all kind of makes sense. I can definitely see the holiness of that coleslaw. It was definitely one of God's elect, so yeah, I can understand why Baby Jesus would use it as a harbinger of Armageddon.
So basically, losing the slaw in favor of fucking kale means that ISIS is pretty much in charge of the Chick-fil-a drive-thru now.
What's next, you wonder. I'll tell you. You'll pull up to the drive-thru and order a sweet tea only to find that it's been replaced with kombucha. And this is how it starts, people. First they came for your coleslaw and you said nothing. Then they came for your half sweet tea and half diet lemonade, and you said nothing. Yeah? Next you're going to find that your nuggets are made out of Quorn. Then what are you going to say?
Now here's the thing. I am down with some kombucha. Broccolini is my spirit vegetable. Kale not so much, but fine. Whatever. I can deal with kale at this point because it's everywhere.
It just doesn't need to be at Chick-fil-a. Or if it does, it can be in addition to, rather than instead of what is the greatest coleslaw in the history of coleslaws (seriously, screw that mess at KFC, it's not even close).
Because I do not go to Chick-fil-a for healthy super food anything. I go to that quirky vegan place that just opened up across from yoga. When I go to a fast food chicken place I am not thinking about my microbiome, or my aura, or my arteries, or sustainable agriculture. Mostly I am thinking that I have raging PMS and need salt and grease RIGHT GODDAMN NOW. And this is how I prefer my fried chicken - with bigotry, ignorance, a week's worth of sodium, Jesus, and a gall bladder attack. Got it? You can even add in a few hormones, antibiotics, and arsenic and I won't mind.
I'm actually shocked that there aren't riots in the great southern cities about this. Atlanta, Birmingham, Charlotte, Charleston, where is your passion, your fire, your conviction? Rally and take to the streets! Our coleslaw is gone!! DO SOMETHING!
But I digress. I got the salad, as you can see from the above crotch shot. Yes, in order to get the full fast food effect, I ate while driving, although I'd like to clarify that I took the picture while parked. For safety, and also because I had to park to open 75 packets of Chick-fil-a sauce for my daughter who kept dropping them on my floor of the backseat of my car, which now, inexplicably smells like Chinese food.
Here is what I think of the Superfood Salad - it was like going out in the backyard, pulling up a handful of weeds, and stuffing them in my mouth. It was bland, green stems and leaves. Supposedly it has dressing, but I couldn't find any. It also came with about three dried cherries and a packet of granola, which I couldn't figure out for the life of me. It was like the big bosses at Chick-fil-a central were like "What do healthy people like to eat? Kale? Granola? Okay, throw some granola in with a broccoli kale salad. Whatever. Let's go stuff ourselves with fried chicken. Liberals. Bless their hearts. Them fools'll eat anything."
So yeah, we orthorexic, enlightenment seeking, bra-burning pagans like kale and granola, but just not mixed together for God's sakes. Needless to say, I left the granola out.
I ate the salad. I did not like it at all. I wept bitter tears for the coleslaw and the sad fact that I will never again be able to pile the coleslaw on top of the chicken part of the chicken sandwich and smash the top bun back on so that the coleslaw all falls out the sides and my PMS temporarily disappears along with every delicious bite.
And then I went to yoga.
Because that is what assholes like me do. We eat the worst garbage on earth and then try to Happy Baby that shit out of our systems. It's like how in The Godfather they'd massacre people and then go straight to confession.
By the time I got to yoga I was about to die/hurl/crap my pants/ speak in tongues. I was in serious gastrointestinal distress. Yet, for some reason I was still determined to stick it out and go to an hour and half long , 95 degree yoga class anyway. I guess you could call me a disciplined yogi. Ha.
Then it occurred to me WHY I was having such horrible indigestion. Because not only had I eaten Chick-fil-fucking-a, which is bad enough on its own, thank you, I had also eaten a cup of flipping kale. It was like I had swallowed some Ammonium Nitrate and washed it down with diesel fuel and then lit a match.
I was not okay.
Yet somehow, I did manage to get through the entire class, but you know it was bad when your friend, at the end of a particularly relaxing savasana, pops up and instead of bowing to you in anjali mudra and blessing your third eye while acknowledging the divine light that shines within your heart chakra, she high fives you and says:
"You made it though the whole class and YOU DIDN"T GET DIARRHEA!! You did AWESOME, Victoria!"
(I have the greatest friends on earth.)
Dear Chick-fil-a, please bring back coleslaw. Yes, it was really nice of you to offer me the recipe, but I don't want to make that shit myself. Bring back my coleslaw now.