I have to admit that I take an unusual amount of pride in my zodiac sign, but every single Scorpio I've ever met has felt the exact same way. In fact, some of us (like me) have even specifically planned the conception of our children so that we'd have Scorpio kids. This stuff runs deep, people. But I mean, who wouldn't want to be the sexiest and most mysteriously powerful sign of the zodiac? Come on. Being a Scorpio kicks ass, but there are a few things we're sick of hearing all the time. If you want to steer clear of our notorious sting, please avoid saying these ten things:
1. "Ooohh, you're a SCORPIO?" (wink wink) - Yeah, yeah. We get it. We have a reputation for being freaks in bed. I'm sure you'd love to find out if the rumors are true, but guess what? There is zero chance that we're having sex with you with a line like that. You're gonna have to do a little better there if you want to seduce a Scorpio.
2. "Remember that super confidential thing you told me? Well, I thought it was okay if I told a couple people. You know, like my entire family, and everyone at work and everyone at the dinner party I went to last weekend." - I'll be kind enough to let you choose the manner in which you'll die, but after that I'm hacking your body into small pieces and feeding them into a wood chipper while I casually scroll through Facebook on my phone.
3. "I had sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend." - How lovely. I hope you enjoyed it, because it will be the last time either of you ever have sex with anyone ever again. See above. Only this time, I'm not letting you choose your own death. I'm going to take a chainsaw to both of you.
4. "I'm just not that ambitious. I'd rather smoke weed all day and follow jam bands around the country." - Scorpios don't even have a reply for that kind of foolishness. We're too busy self-promoting.
5. "Where'd you go to college, how many kids do you have, do you have brothers and sisters, how did you meet your spouse, do you have any pets?" - Stop. Please. Just stop with the banal small talk. We can't with this nonsense. Scorpios want to have conversations about things that actually matter and we can't stand idle chit chat.
6. "I'm not interested in the occult. That stuff is so silly and it's all make-believe anyway." - WHAT? You're not interested in ghost stories, horror, suspense, thrillers, serial killers, UFO hunting, unsolved mysteries, true crime, cryptozoology, quantum physics or Bigfoot? Wow, you are no fun whatsoever. Now excuse me so I can go back to reading conspiracy theory websites.
7. "That really important task you entrusted me with at work? I didn't care that much, so I just half-assed it and hoped for the best." - Scorpios have zero tolerance for people who aren't as passionate and careful about their work as we are. You pull this kind of crap with us and you'll soon find out that we are the heel of a stiletto and you are a cigarette butt.
8. "Someone told me something, and I know stuff, but I really shouldn't tell you, and it kind of involves you, but nah, I'm not going to tell you." - OH MY GOD. This is exactly how to make a Scorpio's head explode. We need to know everything and we need to know it now, so bringing up the fact that you have info, but then refusing to spill it, is definitely grounds for a stabbing incident.
9."Jeez, you're way too intense." - INTENSE?? LIKE THIS? YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN INTENSE. I'LL SHOW YOUR ASS INTENSE. HOW'S THIS? HUH? IS THIS TOO INTENSE? I'M NOT TOO INTENSE!! YOU'RE TOO BORING!! HOW 'BOUT THAT??
10. "You look tired. Maybe you should stop working so much." - This will have the opposite of the desired effect. We'll take it as a challenge, slam a couple glasses of bulletproof coffee, stay up for three days straight and come out of it with an extra million dollars. It's just how we roll.
Scorpios can't help ourselves. Sure, we're passionate, jealous, temperamental, sensual, moody, creepy, control-freaks, but we know that deep down you can't help but love us anyway. It's our magnetic charm and hypnotic presence. We delight in it and know that you do too. So consider yourself warned, and if you don't heed my advice and you say any of these ten things, don't come crying to me when you suffer the burn of a Scorpio's venom.