Fall is supposed to be my favorite season. After all, I’m a November baby, a serious Scorpio. I should be all about frolicking in the leaves with my hands full of gingerbread. Usually I’m really enthusiastic by now, but for some reason, this year I am overcome with a bad case of autumnal meh. I feel like poor Linus shivering all night waiting for the Great Pumpkin to come. I’m just not in the spirit. Case in point? The following list of ways in which I have already failed at fall.
1. I live in South Florida.
2. Don’t own Uggs. Or a puffy vest.
3. Wait, when is the World Series again? That’s baseball, right?
4. True confession: I have gagged on Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
5. Pumpkin candles smell like a dog’s paw covered in cinnamon Trident.
6. Don’t even understand the existence of ornamental corn.
7. Too lazy to make pigs in blankets look like little mummies, or shape breadsticks into severed fingers. Think it’s kind of gross actually and don’t get me started on carved squashes barfing guac.
8. Lack the mental capacity to even attempt making autumn wreath.
9. Suffered from massive allergy attack while on hayride. Sneezed, scratched and complained the whole time.
10. Plaid. Not gonna do it.
11. Cider gives me diarrhea.
12. Have not expressed public hashtag gratitude about a single thing on any social media platform.
14. Freaking hate football and everything about it.
15. Haven’t watched Hocus Pocus. Not even once. Don’t even know when it’s on.
16. Saw on Pinterest. Tried to make no-sew tutu for my daughter’s witch costume. Strangled myself.
17. Gave up and bought costume at Target.
18. Own exactly zero decorative gourds.
19. Did not order Sexy Pizza Rat costume on time.
20. Lifelong terror of haunted house chainsaw man prevents me from ever visiting haunted house.
21. Feel strongly that scary clowns are trite. We get it. Creepy. John Wayne Gacy. Move on already.
22. Turned down invitation to Oktoberfest. Don’t enjoy October spelled with a K.
23. Would rather drink my own fresh urine than any sort of pumpkin beer.
24. Somehow forgot to take selfies of my knee high, camel-colored boots in piles of red leaves.
25. Accidentally broke the pilgrim salt and pepper shakers.
26. Do not have time to make homemade apple pie. Marie Calendar. Right here. In my freezer.
27. You try wrangling my family together for a photoshoot in a goddamn orchard.
28. Hear the word “Harvest.” Immediately wonder how much I can get for my kidney.
29. Not craving turkey.
30. Lack of desire to rant about slutty costumes. Wanna dress as a big felt taco wearing thigh-highs and garters? Have at it, girl.
31. Burned the butternut squash soup.
Luckily I still have a month and a half left to redeem myself.