Drama Mamas

"Ladies, I need your advice! This is my newborn son. Does he look normal?"

I belong to a large and very active motherhood group on Facebook. Mostly this is simply for my own personal, sick entertainment.

The Mommy Wars are in full effect, naturally. If anyone posts something about breastfeeding or vaccinations, the mommies of the group go collectively ballistic all over each other. It's the modern day equivalent of the Roman Coliseum, but it's online and with women, because Oh My God, women cannot stand for a stranger to have a differing opinion on the Internet. Lord no. All hell breaks loose. 

I'm somewhat less interested in the hackneyed breast milk and MMR debates. Heard it all. No, I live for the weirder shit people post on there and I promise you there is plenty of it.

Pictures posted of dirty diapers, which yes, I totally wanted to see someone else's child's shit while scrolling through my newsfeed. Sorry, I prefer cat pictures. 

And I love when the caption reads "IS THIS NORMAL OMG!" No, it is not normal to post pictures of your babies shit for strangers to analyze.

Other appetizing descriptions include: "OMG is that blood or did my baby swallow a red marker??"  and "Do you think this looks like worms?" 

Seriously, if you are so concerned, please go to the doctor and stop crowdsourcing the opinions of people who are just as stupid as you are.

 One of my favorite posts that blew up into serious drama involved a woman who posted that she had accidentally taken Xanax instead of Advil for a headache (really?? because they look NOTHING alike, you dingbat) and she was freaking out because she was all messed up on the Xanax (like, how much did she take??) and couldn't take care of her baby. This woman was clearly off the rails on the crazy train and people were flipping their lids all over the place over this one. Some called her out on being insane, which she clearly was, and others supported her.

Then there are the people in the group who are obvious con artists. Also a personal favorite of mine. They come on with elaborate sob stories wanting free stuff. Which they apparently get and then when they get found out as fakes the women they conned lose their freaking minds. Catfishing is very common in online mothering groups. You have been warned. If someone is asking for free shit, do a considerable amount of background checking before handing it over. Maybe actually get to know someone first? In real life?

A few weeks ago a girl posted a bathroom mirror selfie of her pregnant belly that looked like she was giving birth to triplet, full grown T-rexes. I've never seen something like this. She wanted to know if this was normal. This prompted a spate of additional bathroom mirror selfies of baby bumps that were equally as horrifying. Again, I do not understand this. If you are concerned that something is not normal with your pregnancy or your child, WHY AREN'T YOU AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE??

At least daily someone posts something along the lines of "My three month old EBF DS is projectile vomiting, has a fever of 105 and his head is spinning. He just levitated off the crib mattress while cursing me out in Latin. Do you think it's ok if I give him a little Advil? What's the right dose for a 35 pound, three month old infant? TIA Mommy's!"

WTF? Why can't people get it through their heads that apostrophes are not used for plurals?

My favorite Mommy Group posts, by far, by far, are the ones where people ask strangers for name ideas. I don't get this because I really wouldn't feel comfortable with strangers coming up with names for my child, but ok. And the names they pick, Jesus Christ. It sounds like roll call at the strip club.

I always see posts like this:

"Hey guys! I'm having a hard time deciding on names for my DD EDB tomorrow. I like Lunesta, Lyrica, Mirena, Pegasys, Stelara, Latisse and Vaniqua, but I just can't make a decision! Let's have a vote!"

So of course, I'm all like Chantix. Name your daughter Chantix. Or really go all out and name that kid Cialis. 

I swear, people be cray.