New Years 2006 - The Wheelchair Dogsled

Well Happy New Year everyone. After a nice extra long 3 1/2 day weekend I arrive to another good divorce story.

A few years ago the Flybys were just like any other normal Wide Lawns couple. They were in their 40s, happy, active, athletic, rich and white. They lived together in an opulent home in Caledonia; a home set up on a little man made hill with a wide, circular driveway and immaculate landscaping. Pinky Flyby, the wife, kept horses just outside of Wide Lawns, and her husband Herbie loved to play tennis. All was perfect for a long time until poor Pinky suffered a terrible accident, a la Christopher Reeve, and took a nasty fall from her horse. Pinky became a quadriplegic. Because this was obviously a horrible tragedy, Herbie Flyby had to at least act like a decent human being and take care of his wife for a few months. He then became bored and wished to get back to his old life of tennis, jogging and martinis at the clubhouse, so when he thought enough time had passed that people wouldn't think he was a complete jerk and instead just kind of a jerk, he hired a nurse to care for Pinky so he could resume his lifestyle. The problem is that he hired a very hot, young nurse to care for her.

It took more than a year, (so I guess we are supposed to give Herbie some credit for sticking it out for two years, but it is my personal opinion that he only held out that long so that people wouldn't be quite as horrified as they were already), for Herbie to pack it up and run off with the nurse. Sadly though, like all the Wide Lawns exes, he didn't run very far. He and the nurse now reside in Islington, which is the Wide Lawn equivalent of exile. Poor Pinky Flyby, without the use of her arms or legs was left all alone to fend for herself in the big opulent house, on the now regrettable man made hill, with the very regrettable elaborate winding staircases, both of which are very precarious to navigate in a wheelchair. Herbie Flyby allowed Pinky to stay in the house, as long as they could sell it as part of the divorce settlement and split the profits. Pinky has no use for homes on hills or winding staircases now and needs a smaller abode, however, she does need the money and we can hope that she is getting a massive settlement and that the split is more in her favor than his, but I don't know the details on that. So the house in Caledonia Park is for sale and Pinky has a new nurse, and it seems, a new job as well. She is boarding dogs in the massive home they have up for sale.

Herbie called the HOA to issue a complaint about his immobile ex wife, saying that she is running a business out of her home, something that is strictly forbidden in Wide Lawns. We couldn't imagine what kind of business a quadriplegic could be running, and that's when he told us that Pinky, who had always loved animals, was using all that space in the house to keep dogs for people who were traveling. Instantly my mind generated an unusual image. How does she feed them all, I wondered. So we asked. The nurse feeds them. So then how does she walk them, we inquired, thinking that Herbie had to be the meanest man alive, first to run off with his paralyzed wife's nurse, and next to start trouble and file complaints against the poor soul who is just trying to make a living and entertain herself with some canine companionship since she no longer has a spouse and her friends have all forgotten her in favor of people who could actually go to the bathroom without help. Sure she had a a lot of friends when the accident was fresh. They couldn't all abandon her right away because that would look disgusting and uncharitable, but it was just so uncomfortable for them all to see poor Pinky that way. It was hard to look at her and they just didn't know what to say. So eventually, when a reasonable amount of time had passed so that they didn't all look selfish and politically incorrect abandoning their crippled friend, they went ahead and abandoned her and met up with Herbie for martinis at the clubhouse. You can't blame Pinky for wanting the unconditional positive regard of dogs, even if, if Herbie is to be believed, she has at least 20 of them running around her mansion at any given time.

Herbie Flyby went on to explain to us that Pinky is even walking the dogs, or wheeling them might be a more apt term. Since Pinky does not have use of her hands, I couldn't exactly picture this either, but apparently the nurse attaches the leashes of several dogs to Pinky's chair and the dogs then pull the chair all up and down Wide Lawns with the nurse in tow to make sure nothing goes terribly awry, as it definitely could with five or six dogs of various breeds and sizes pulling a quadriplegic around a million dollar country club subdivision. The whole thing sounds like a twisted, snowless version of a dogsled, and as bizarre as this truly must be, it is my belief that if a person has to be a quadriplegic, and then has the even worse luck to have her husband run three streets away with her very own nurse, then daggonit, if she wants a wheelchair dogsled, she should damn straight be allowed to have one and an ice cream cone too.

Herbie Flyby disagrees with me. Why you ask? It would be simple enough to say that he is the meanest and most selfish person in Basura, but that would not explain his motivation. He doesn't want Pinky messing up the house with slobbering, chewing, growling, Frito smelling dogs because then its resale value would decline or no one would want the house and it would be difficult to sell, and he wants it sold fast.

Mr. Flyby has asked us, the HOA, to intervene on his behalf and to stop Pinky's dog sitting service. I dont think I will do a damned thing. Too bad I don't have any dogs to board, because Pinky Flyby would be the first person I would call.