December 7th, 2005 - I Return After a Long Hiatus

You'll notice that I didn't write for almost a month without explanation. Almost ten years later, I'm ready to to tell you why. I got married! Wow, I can't believe my tenth anniversary is coming up this fall. That's crazy. We had Thanksgiving week off at the HOA, which was perfect because I got married Thanksgiving weekend. I actually went back to work for a couple of days after the wedding because we didn't want to leave from the wedding and go straight on our honeymoon. After that, I took a few vacation days and my new husband and I headed down to Jamaica to relax for an extra long weekend, which was amazing. The flight to Jamaica from here is only about an hour and it was really neat to see how they get ready for Christmas on the island. We had an incredible time there and by December 7th, I was ready to get back to work and see what had transpired while I was away.

Here is what I wrote that day!

After a two week hiatus (actually one week doing Thanksgiving and another sunning in the crystal waters of Jamaica) the author of Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds has, thankfully, returned to work again, ready to document the sordid and bizarre activities of the country club lifestyle.

My first day back at the HOA was Monday. I expected to come in to all sorts of scandalous tales, but alas, little had actually happened during my absence.

The Shrimp Prince was arrested AGAIN, but really this is old hat by now and we all just expect it. Seems his dad, the King, had bailed him out only to have him steal yet another car and be pulled over while driving it. Idiot.

HOA Master Board elections are ongoing, but wont be finished until January and nothing all that exciting is happening with that anyway. We just hope Nolan Goldrich doesn't beat out Rob Kayt for President, or we're all quitting.

This morning I found myself having to poo at work. As promised a month or so ago, I will now write a post about poo.

Pooing at work is a difficult and troubling thing. We are still in the trailer and the bathroom is small and in the middle of the trailer. There is no privacy in there at all. There are at least five people in the trailer at any given time and with so little privacy you may as well just take a crap in the middle of the floor. To make matters entirely worse we recently had a freak power surge that not only destroyed our computers, but also blew up the light socket in the bathroom. We cannot work without our computers, so those were immediately fixed, but the lack of light in the bathroom was not viewed as a major crisis, alas, and our employers suppose that what with the hurricanes and all that we are just used to peeing in the dark and don't mind it a bit, and therefore no one is in any hurry to send a maintenance man to restore light in the bathroom.

When confronted with having to poo at work we used to go run over to the new building that is under construction and go in there, but it became overrun with construction workers, dirty and eventually unsafe and out of order. That was a sad day. Then we decided to go over to the fancy clubhouse. This too presents a problem. You may recall that I mentioned that the admin offices over there only have one unisex bathroom which is in the copy room, which is always crowded. Therefore if you are going to use that then you should have just stayed in the trailer. We have to sneak into the swanky resident's bathroom - The Ladies Cardroom Powder Room. It is so big and gorgeous that you could live in there. Its like the Ritz Carlton. Each stall is its own little room with walls all the way down connected to the floor and a full door. Its completely private. You can go in there and do your thing and no one would ever know. It is bathroom heaven. And get this, they don't even have paper towels. They have real terry cloth towels, little cushioned benches, marble, flowers, nice smelling soaps and mouthwash. I love it. I could spend hours in there. Except, I'm not allowed. Going to poo in The Ladies Cardroom Powder Room is strictly forbidden and if I were caught in there I would get a fierce talking to by someone. Residents would complain if they recognized me. This doesn't necessarily stop me. I think I enjoy the risk I take and normally no one is ever in there anyway. The danger is if one of the bosses or nosy residents sees me coming out the door and wants to know what I was doing in there. It's happened a couple times. Now, before I go out I usually crack the door and make sure the coast is clear. If Kevin Gray saw me in there I shudder to think what would happen, especially since he is now at war with the HOA and doesn't want us over in the Clubhouse at all. A few times I actually got stuck in my stall after going in there to an empty bathroom, settling down to do what had to be done and then all of a sudden finding that a bridge game just got through and fifteen eighty year old women all had to pee and reapply their hot pink lipstick at the same time. When this happens I have to be really quiet and stay put for as long as it takes for them to clear out. If I were to emerge and be seen I would be in a heap of trouble. The Card Room Ladies are among the most vicious predators in all of Wide Lawns. They would start a petition to have me fired for contaminating their bathroom with my low class proletariat germs.

Today I really had to go, and the trailer was just not an option. It was crowded in here and as I mentioned, the trailer bathroom is still without light. Usually we are without water too, and we only ever have cold water if we have water at all and it has no water pressure. We have to wash our dishes in there which takes an eternity, as you can well imagine. I went over to the clubhouse and was met with not the usual 15 Card Room Ladies, but a terrifying mass of over 200 of them!! It was the strangest thing I have ever seen because they all looked exactly the same. There was some kind of bridge tournament going on and they had turned out in force for the event.

It looked as if these women had been churned out of some Card Room Lady Clone Machine. I have never seen so many tweed, Chanel suits and strings of pearls in my life, and they all had the same pinched expressions and blown out, thoroughly shellacked, extremely rounded, bobbed hair-dos which would not budge in even a Category 5 Hurricane.

Naturally I could not use the bathroom.

I checked the new building but some men were in there laying tile and the bathroom was still out of order. I had to go in the trailer. In the dark. With seven people having what amounted to a small party in my pseudo office space. Now this was an emergency. There really was no other option and believe me, I even considered driving off property, but my bosses were in my trailer and surely would have questioned why I was leaving in the middle of the day and where I was going. I had to poo bad. It was the kind of having to poo that makes you break out into a cold sweat. I could not have waited the 3 hours til the end of the day plus the hour commute home in traffic to make it to the safety of my home bathroom.

I went in the dark bathroom and decided to create a distraction. I began to make a lot of noise in there, kicking things around, making it sound like I was doing anything in there other than what I was actually doing, since I am perfect and not actually a real human being, and of course I never poo and if I were to poo, which I wouldn't, it would not ever smell. I went quickly. I flushed a lot and when I emerged, hugely relieved, I notified everyone that was I was doing in there was cleaning the bathroom. I was definitely not going to the bathroom. God Forbid.

I think they believed me.