Monday mornings are one of my favorite times at Wide Lawns. I love to come to work after a nice weekend spent very far from here, and find out what sorts of exciting things happened in my absence. First thing Monday morning, Security provides the HOA with the incident reports from the weekend's drama, and I love to go through them. Its usually better than reading The National Enquirer.
This morning I get in and my coworker comes out and meets me on the steps of the beautiful construction trailer we are still working in, a year and three months after our old building was torn down. Our new building is STILL not ready, but that's a different story. She hands me a sheet of paper and goes "You have to read this."
Since I can't really recount this any better, I will simply type it in word for word.
ON FRIDAY OCTOBER 14TH, 2005, TWO LARGE PYTHON SNAKES WERE SPOTTED INSIDE THE PLYMOUTH SUB-COMMUNITY. FLORIDA GAME AND WILDLIFE WERE ABLE TO CAPTURE ONLY ONE SNAKE.
PLEASE BE ALERT AND CAUTIOUS AS ONE SNAKE IS STILL ON THE LOOSE. PLEASE KEEP A WATCHFUL EYE ON CHILDREN AND SMALL PETS. SHOULD YOU SEE THE SNAKE DO NOT APPROACH IT. CONTACT SECURITY OR BASURA PD IMMEDIATELY.
Naturally, this caused mass hysteria over the weekend. The guards were made to go door to door passing out these memos. Many residents were terrified out of their minds, others who lived on the far side of Wide Lawns, further from Plymouth, were mad at having their doors knocked on. I think several people have locked themselves, their children and their shih-tzus inside their homes until the snake is captured and brought to justice. I don't yet know how this will effect trick-or-treating next week.
Mr. Kayt, in an attempt to allay the fears of the Wide Lawns residents, made our head of security, who was at home since he is off on weekends too, try to find a Python Sniffing Dog. He was only able to locate one such dog, a Beagle named Python Pete. Unfortunately, Python Pete, unlike his brother Cocaine Carlos at the Miami Airport Customs Department, can only work winters. It turns out that dogs can't smell snakes if it's too hot outside (which it still is), and Python Pete is booked in the Everglades for the rest of the season and no amount of Wide Lawns cash can persuade him to leave the alligators and saw grass to come rescue the rich white people from the grips of terror.
At this point in the story, we don't have any other solutions except to hope that the snake reappears and someone sees it and calls someone and they are able to catch it.
I just received my first hysterical phone call from a resident who wants to know how we will let him know when it is safe once again to go out of his home. Incidentally, this is the same man, a nebbishy, moth bally little creature who once called me in the midst of a full on panic attack because there were vultures eating something dead in his backyard and he was petrified and didn't know what to do. I had to explain to him that the vultures were doing a wonderful service for him by cleaning up the dead thing and that they would leave very shortly when they were done with their meal.
But about the snake situation, I just don't know. It seems natural to me that Wide Lawns would have its very own python since our residents love to have all the very latest and sometimes most controversial things. Pythons are extremely trendy right now. They're all over TV. You may recall the one who ate the alligator last week. Pythons are the new deer tick (which is SO out by the way. No one ever talks about deer ticks anymore. They are so 80s). So of course Wide Lawns has to have a python. Imagine how Wide Lawns would feel if say Azure Del Mar, or the Equestrian Greens Club had a python first and we didn't. It would be an embarassment.
There are other positive aspects to having a python run wild in here. The people who live here could potentially use this to justify their numerous SUVs. They could say that Wide Lawns, with the addition of the python, has proved itself to be a wild and untamed environment where they genuinely need their Hummers to navigate this difficult terrain and to protect them from predators.
Excuse me, I must leave to go put in a call to St. Patrick.
The plot thickens in the Python Saga. We received an anonymous tip yesterday to our Snake Stoppers Hotline. It seems that someone in the Plymouth sub-division of Wide Lawns Country Club has witnessed his or her neighbor, the illustrious Dr. Willa Asp, bringing a large glass tank of pythons out in her yard presumably to sun them. Over the weekend, the neighbor noticed that the tank was outside, the lid was off and the snakes were gone.
When we heard this in the HOA, we let out a collective "Ohhhhhhhhh", because knowing the illustrious Dr. Willa Asp, this makes absolute sense. Of course that's where the pythons came from, although she will not admit that she owns snakes or that her snakes may or may not be pythons and may or may not be missing and wreaking havoc in Wide Lawns.
Last summer when Dr. Willa Asp moved in, as soon as she completed her new resident orientation and went to settle into her new Plymouth home, we all said "This woman does not belong here." She looked as if she had attacked and killed the real Dr. Willa Asp outside the Wide Lawn gates, and stole her identity, and was in actuality a scary biker woman from a trailer park who was into amateur taxidermy and who had a meth lab going in her kitchen.
Dr. Asp is short and extremely stout, with wild, spiked up, fuzzed out burgundy colored hair. She does not wear a bra, and I assure you, she definitely should wear one at all times. She is hard and mean looking, low class, crass and masculine. She also has a tattoo covering the entirety of one of her calves and I am sure that is not the only one she has. I don't really care to find out or to ever see her other ones. Dr. Willa Asp really looks like white trash and looks nothing like the well kept, jewel encrusted, liposuctioned, collagen injected, fembots of Wide Lawns at all. There are maids in here who look more groomed and classier than Dr. Willa Asp.
Because Dr. Asp was such a deviation from the Wide Lawns norm as soon as she left we immediately had to google her to see who she was. She had told us that she was from New York City and had a house in the Hamptons. This I just can't see. I would imagine Dr. Asp being run off of Long Island by a pitchfork wielding mob, but we took her word for it. She said she was a psychiatrist, which also just doesn't fit. If I needed therapy and went to her for a consultation I would run screaming in terror from her office. I imagine her therapeutic advice as being something along the lines of "Your husband's abusing you, you feel scared and you can't stand up to him? Let me call my cousin Vinny in the Bronx. He knows somebody who can take him out for you for a couple thousand."
When we Googled Dr. Asp we were shocked at what we found. We located an expose' about her written by advocates of her former housekeeper, a downtrodden Filipina woman named Juanita who had been sorely wronged while employed by Dr. Asp, who has two sons and no husband by the way. The piece read something like this:
Dr. Willa Asp owns a restaurant, is a psychiatrist, an amateur stock market wiz with a large portfolio, summers in the Hamptons and is an ABUSIVE EMPLOYER!!
Juanita the Filipina housekeeper was forced to sleep in the basement with Asp's collection of snakes. Asp hung the dead snake skins all over the walls around Juanita's bed. One day the Asp children locked Juanita in the basement and would not let her out. In her fright she tried to climb out of a basement window, but fell and hurt her back and had to be hospitalized. When she returned from the hospital, Dr. Asp forced her to go back to work immediately, refused to pay any of her medical bills and told her "I should have left you for dead because no one here knows you anyway." Since then Juanita has not been able to work full time due to her physical and psychological injuries.
We demand on behalf of Juanita, that Dr. Asp pay all of Juanita's lost income and medical bills and issue her a public apology.
Ok, so there that is. I can't say as that we were surprised, because given Dr. Asp's appearance and mannerisms, it just wasn't a surprise. It was very fitting actually. So there is quite a bit of circumstantial evidence here to incriminate Dr. Willa Asp. I would have to say she is guilty.
Our Head of Security went to Dr. Asp's house to investigate and noted the snake tank, empty outside. She denied keeping any Ball Pythons as pets (huge lie, because she obviously didn't think we would google her), and then said she knew who made the anonymous tip and it was her neighbor who doesn't like her. Now we know she was lying because our Head of Security only said "snakes" and never mentioned the species of snake. She was the one who said "Ball Python".
Since this incident we have received numerous calls and complaints regarding the fugitive serpent, however, the snake has not been seen again.
As of this minute, it could still be out there constricting around someone's hapless Pomeranian, preparing to unhinge its enormous jaw and swallow it whole, jewel studded collar and all.