Wide Lawns Country Club, which was essentially built on what used to be swamp lamp, is teeming with all sorts of indigenous wild creatures. One of these is the Muscovy duck, which lives happily and breeds plentifully in waterways all across South Florida. In Wide Lawns there are numerous Muscovy ducks who came here on their own to live in our man made lakes and canals. In addition to the Muscovy's, mallard ducks have been imported to create the illusion of a peaceful and idealistic water front community. This is not really a waterfront community though. Had the land upon which Wide Lawns now stands been left to its natural devices there would be far more alligators and mosquitoes here than BMW's. It was an enormous, stagnant bog.
It has recently come to our attention that several residents, headed by Mr. Nolan Goldrich, want to begin an extensive Muscovy relocation program. The Muscovy Ducks, it seems, are just too ugly for Wide Lawns and cannot be tolerated. The Anti-Muscovy Coalition proposes that the Muscovy's be relocated to an undisclosed area where many of them may or may not be exterminated upon arrival, and replaced with more desirable, and more attractive Mallard ducks.
It is true that the Muscovy ducks are ugly. They are large, waddling oafs of ducks with mottled black, brown and white feathers in no discernible, or consistent pattern. Each Muscovy duck looks entirely different from every other Muscovy duck, except that on all of them their heads are covered in lumps of red wart like protrusions and their feet are a matching shade of crimson. Muscovy Ducks do not fly and hardly ever go in the water. They spend most of their time crossing the street on foot. The Mallard Ducks, by contrast are far more petite. They are sleek, golden brown ducks with vibrant blue slashes on their wing feathers. The boys have beautiful green heads, and all Mallards can and do fly. All Mallard males look exactly like all other Mallard males and all Mallard females look exactly like all other Mallard Females. They are really lovely and uniform little ducks. In fact, Mallards are so lovely that to most people the mention of the word "duck" conjures up an instant mental image of a Mallard.
Nolan Goldrich despises the Muscovies. His mission to see them all eradicated was surprisingly met with some opposition. There were some residents who thought this was unfair and who enjoyed feeding ALL the ducks, both Mallard and Muscovy, and who did not find the Muscovies odd appearance all that offensive. These people stuck up for the Muscovy's. Mr. Goldrich then began to disseminate Anti-Muscovy propaganda throughout the community. Muscovy Ducks carry diseases. Muscovy Ducks poop everywhere and their droppings contain lethal bacterium. Muscovy Ducks are a parasite (on what I have no idea). Muscovy Ducks are a foreign invader and are not native to this community, and so on and so on, until people began to fear the Muscovy Ducks and avoid them. Then it became Muscovy Ducks are blocking traffic. After this pronouncement I saw two Muscovy Ducks laying dead on the side of the road. They were quickly and quietly removed.
Mr. Goldrich's main opposition in regard to the Muscovy Relocation Program was Rob Kayt, who, being an ordinary and sensible human being, did not see any harm in ugly ducks living in Wide Lawns. Because at this time Mr. Kayt was the HOA President, he had final say. This enraged Nolan Goldrich because he wanted to be President and had to wait six more months before he could run again, although he was already the Treasurer. Mr. Goldrich called Dan, the HOA Property Manager and bullied him into having someone come and remove all of the Muscovy Ducks from Wide Lawns. He knew this would cause a stir so he disseminated more damaging Anti-Muscovy propaganda, saying that the ducks were so undesirable that our neighboring community Azure Del Mar Estates was secretly trapping their Muscovies and bringing them to Wide Lawn's ponds under cover of darkness and letting them go. Since they can't fly they just stay where you put them.
Over a long weekend, a company came and took the Muscovy Ducks away to an undisclosed location, leaving only the pretty Mallard ducks to gleam alone in the sunlight and to shake their little tail feathers while they swam, unhindered by big, callous, lower class ducks. Mr. Kayt discovered this when he saw the bill from the Wildlife Removal Specialists who charged $12.00 per duck. He lost his temper and called Dan to yell at him to see what happened. Mr. Kayt is an even tempered man, but this day he completely came unglued. Dan said Mr. Goldrich ordered this done and since he is a board member, he felt he couldn't argue. Mr. Goldrich also promised that the ducks were being taken to a nicer place, a "big farm" or a "nature preserve" where they could be with their own kind and would surely be happier. This was not the case.
All the ducks were euthanized.